Book of John - Chapter One

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him not even one thing came into being that has come into being. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the Light of mankind. 5 And the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not grasp it.

The Witness John the Baptist

6 A man came, one sent from God, and his name was John. 7 He came as a witness, to testify about the Light, so that all might believe through him. 8 He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light.

9 This was the true Light that, coming into the world, enlightens every person. 10 He was in the world, and the world came into being through Him, and yet the world did not know Him. 11 He came to His own, and His own people did not accept Him. 12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name, 13 who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of a man, but of God. Babies need stuff!... and so do mommies. The following items are typically available from our center free of charge:
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Dad Jokes... Sorry

  • My wife said "are you even listening to me!?"... I said "that's a funny way to start a conversation"
  • When my son was two I was washing the car with him. My wife got mad and told me to use the sponge.
  • Someone asked if I would make a donation for a swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  • I tried to give blood today. Never again! Too many questions. "whose blood is this?, where did it come from? why is it in this bucket?"
  • What do you call a fish with no eye?
  • A man asks the waitor for a glass of h20... his friend said I'll have h202. He died.
  • I met a microbiologist the other day. They are much bigger than I expected.
  • Ever target practice blindfolded? You don't know what you're missing.
  • My friend's wife asked "is it just me or is your dog getting fat?". I looked at them both and said 'just you"
  • My brother is addicted to the hokey pokey... it was a rough couple of years but he's turned himself around
  • My uncle has two dobermans named Rolex and Timex... watch dogs
  • I was at the library and the lady in front of me asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She said (wisper) "they're right behind you"
  • My friend says to me "what rymes with orange?"... I said no it doesn't!
  • Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
  • The police knocked at my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes!
  • I have a pen that can wright under water. It can write other words too!
  • What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
  • 30% of pet owners let their pets sleep with them. Not me, my goldfish died that way.
  • My brother applied for a job hanging mirrors. He said it was something he could see himself doing.
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-i-deer
  • What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck
  • I told my doctor hear a buzzing sound. She said it's just a bug that's going around.
  • What's brown and sticky? A stick
  • What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
  • You're an American when you go into the bathroom, an American after you come out. But what about when you're in the bathroom. European
  • What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi
  • What did the hamburger say to his parents when introducing them to his girlfriend? Mom... Dad... meet Patty.
  • What did the drummer call his twin girls? Anna 1, Anna 2
  • What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? “Oops!”
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long
  • Redneck to fire department: "Come quick, my house is on fire. FD: "how do we get there?" Redneck: "don't you have those big red trucks?"
  • I remember the last thing my granpa said before he kicked the bucket... "watch how far I can kick this bucket?"
  • I want to die peaceably in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?” BREATHE!
  • I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • What did the excited gardner do when spring finally came? He wet his plants
  • What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad
  • I have six eyes, two mouths, and three ears... what am I. Ugly
  • The Past, Present, And Future Walk Into A Bar. It was tense
  • What Did the Buddhist Say To The Hotdog Vendor? Make me one with everything
  • I asked my pastor: "how much to buy a singing ensemble?" He said: "You mean a choir?" I said: "fine, how much to aquire a singing ensemble?"
  • I wanted to say a word to a sad friend. I chose "plethora". They said "thanks that means a lot"
  • When pregnant w/ first child the doctor said he was going to deliver the baby. We said "actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
  • The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it brella, but he hesitated.
  • My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. I crashed the car... and then ignored her all day for no reason

About Us

The Gods of the Copybook Headings by Rudyard Kipling

AS I PASS through my incarnations in every age and race,
I make my proper prostrations to the Gods of the Market Place.
Peering through reverent fingers I watch them flourish and fall,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings, I notice, outlast them all.

We were living in trees when they met us. They showed us each in turn
That Water would certainly wet us, as Fire would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in Uplift, Vision and Breadth of Mind,
So we left them to teach the Gorillas while we followed the March of Mankind.

We moved as the Spirit listed. They never altered their pace,
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Market Place,
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.

With the Hopes that our World is built on, they were utterly out of touch,
They denied that the Moon was Stilton; they denied she was even Dutch;
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings;
So we worshipped the Gods of the Market Who promised these beautiful things.

When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed They sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "Stick to the Devil you know."

On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "If you don't work you die."

Then the Gods of the Market tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two and Two make Four
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings limped up to explain it once more.

As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,
And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

And that after this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins
When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,
As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn,
The Gods of the Copybook Headings with terror and slaughter return!